Heresy, Mental Illness, Social Maladjustment, and Spirituality

[ceck]

So I was raised to be Catholic. I had some friction with the people who raised me. I showed signs of heresy from an early age. Maybe this means I was having spiritual intuition leading me away from the church, or maybe I was just lazy and I didn't want to go to Mass every week. But a heretical outlook on Catholicism led to a heretical outlook on science. I am willing to consider almost any scientific claim, and I am willing to accept a lot of "woo." Rupert Sheldrake, for example, convinces me more than Richard Dawkins does. So right there, my tendency toward heresy against Catholicism led to a tendency of heresy against socially acceptable science. Also, my tendency to do my own research on Catholicism led to me do my own research on science. This does not mean my research is infallible; it just makes me dig in my heels and resist the two-bit Randi-imitators who tell me I'm delusional.


Now, I do not have great social skills. Maybe this is all my fault -- maybe I made bad choices that resulted in subpar social skills. Or maybe it is due to autism, or maybe I was dropped on my head a few too many times. Be that as it may, when I try to talk about spirituality, a lot of folks will quickly try to shut down the discussion because I am obviously socially maladjusted, and only socially impeccable people are allowed to talk about such sensitive topics. In the process of heresy against Catholicism, I lost whatever respect I might have had for Judaism. Let me tell you -- saying disrespectful things about Jewish religion is far more socially unacceptable than saying disrespectful things about Catholicism.


Spiritual experiences can involve non-ordinary states of consciousness. So anyone who talks about such things can be discounted as being mentally ill. So if I talk about spirituality I usually try to do it online, in forums that are not likely to leak out into meatspace. However, I might as well use a consistent online handle, such as "ceck," so that some essays I write can be shared across multiple forums without confusion.

[aswell.tv]

It's not too late to embrace the church, or whatever

[LS2]

Thank you for sharing. I find it ironic that people's affinity with science has nothing to do with the scientific method but is instead dogmatic in nature.

What makes you say that social skills are based on decisions? When people try to silence you, that isn't necessarily on you. That's the herd mentality coming to the surface.

Also, I do not understand how heresy against Catholicism is linked to anti-Judaism in particular. Is it because the upbringing of religious Jews is equally filled with superstitions? Please expand because we may not agree on what counts as a superstition and what doesn't. I don't think most Jews have any problem with science.

[CrystalVulpine]

I must have been dropped on the head. Everyone with my personality is a savant gifted prodigy, in like every single area, to the point of near-perfection. And the more like me they are, the better they are.

Except me. I'm just terrible at every single thing in life. Not only that, but I'm ridden with mental illnesses and gender dysphoria. Of course there's a person who exactly like me except for having none of my problems and being basically flawless and anything I ever dreamed of. Anything I've been pouring my heart into for years and years, she can start out way ahead already. Every single thing. And because of autistic special interests, I NEED certain hobbies to be mentally well, but due to my lack of ability I have no way of fulfilling them. It isn't a competition, it isn't about what other people think of me. It's about my personal needs.

Unfortunately this is how I learned the hard way that life isn't fair or rewarding of effort. It's all in how you're born. God loves some people more than others, and he created some people greater than others. He doesn't like me all that much, while the people I'm talking about are his special golden children. Nothing I or anyone else does can change that. I simply wasn't blessed. I'm not saying God doesn't love everyone, but he clearly seems to have favorites, and I'm not one of them.

Okay I probably need to lay off on God. I'm being irrational. It's really the world that's the problem, though I do find myself wondering why God doesn't step in and fix it if he loves everyone equally. But in any case, pointing out that the world is evil or even just unfair will get you crucified. It's heresy in every single circle. Because people are in denial. They WANT to believe that our world is good, they WANT to believe that everyone has hope. I used to believe that too. But sadly it isn't true. And since I'm not allowed to talk about it, I get zero emotional support or even punishment. I'm forced to put up a highly convincing facade that everything is great, or people will rip me apart.

I don't get any spiritual stuff either. It is cut off from me. Heck even imagination and dreaming are tightly restricted. I can't even escape into my own world. I'm completely trapped in this nightmare, all the time, and I have nowhere to turn.

I don't know how much longer I can take it, and I'm not looking forward to the life ahead of me.

[ceck]

Thank you for sharing. I find it ironic that people's affinity with science has nothing to do with the scientific method but is instead dogmatic in nature.

What makes you say that social skills are based on decisions? When people try to silence you, that isn't necessarily on you. That's the herd mentality coming to the surface.

Also, I do not understand how heresy against Catholicism is linked to anti-Judaism in particular. Is it because the upbringing of religious Jews is equally filled with superstitions? Please expand because we may not agree on what counts as a superstition and what doesn't. I don't think most Jews have any problem with science.

1. I don't necessarily believe my poor social skills are due to my decisions. Some people like to say everything in your life is your responsibility, and those people tell me to stop whining about my poor social skills because everything bad in my life is the result of my actions. I try to see their points of view without signing on to them. Previously I had written:

I do not have great social skills. Maybe this is all my fault -- maybe I made bad choices that resulted in subpar social skills. Or maybe it is due to autism, or maybe I was dropped on my head a few too many times.

Maybe my poor social skills are my fault, and maybe they are not my fault.

2. Regarding:

Also, I do not understand how heresy against Catholicism is linked to anti-Judaism in particular. Is it because the upbringing of religious Jews is equally filled with superstitions? Please expand because we may not agree on what counts as a superstition and what doesn't.

This is a big topic, centered on the claim that El was not equivalent to Yahweh. As far as I can tell, there have always been several mutually contradictory sects that compete for the title of the definitive Jewish religion. (The conventional misconception is that there is only one Jewish religion, it had multiple names for a single god, and it has been mostly consistent.) Scholars sometimes come to believe that the various Jewish sects are so logically inconsistent that they can't be called a single religion; then those scholars typically leave all Abrahamic religion. If these priesthoods all disagree with each other, it's hard to believe a single God inspired them all. Once you start subjecting the Old Testament to skeptical criticism, it's hard to believe in any of it as authoritative. (It's not impossible; if people are interested I can write many essays on various interpretations of the Old Testament.)



The Catholic Church usually claims that there was just one Jewish religion, and that the pre-Jesus Jewish religion had considerable validity -- it was God's favorite religion, so to speak. But the Catholic Church claims that as soon as Jesus came and started preaching, the old Jewish religion was superseded, and all Jews were supposed to convert to Catholicism. However, the Catholic Church, in practice, has strong alliances with Jewish elites. Catholic elites sometimes study various versions of Jewish religions and use them as inspiration for Catholic teachings. Basically, the Catholic consensus is that Jewish religion is in some sense foundational to Catholic religion. Thus Catholics don't like to see the wrong kind of disbelief in Judaism. Catholics are allowed to say sentimental things like, "Gosh, it's too bad the Jews had slaves and polygamy in the olden days, but all they needed was Jesus in their hearts and they would have seen the light." Catholics are not allowed to say things like, "Jews in 500 BC were goddess-worshipping polytheists and Asherah was the wife of El before she was the wife of Yahweh; El was not equivalent to Yahweh." Further, the teachings of the Catholic church have changed drastically in the past 100 years. Before Vatican II, Catholic priests had no problem preaching that Jews had to accept Jesus as Christ or else go to Hell. (Of course, they also had the "baptism of desire" doctrine to complicate matters.) Vatican II changed a bunch of Catholic habits/ideas/teachings/cultural practices. In the past 20 years, Catholicism has become nearly unrecognizable to me.



Then, too, there is a body of anti-Jewish thought from Jews who became angry at Jewish leaders. One important Jewish scholar is Israel Shahak. Simply mentioning this author is enough to get me banned from many forums.

[ceck]

I must have been dropped on the head. Everyone with my personality is a savant gifted prodigy, in like every single area, to the point of near-perfection. And the more like me they are, the better they are.

Except me. I'm just terrible at every single thing in life. Not only that, but I'm ridden with mental illnesses and gender dysphoria. Of course there's a person who exactly like me except for having none of my problems and being basically flawless and anything I ever dreamed of. Anything I've been pouring my heart into for years and years, she can start out way ahead already. Every single thing. And because of autistic special interests, I NEED certain hobbies to be mentally well, but due to my lack of ability I have no way of fulfilling them. ...

I don't get any spiritual stuff either. It is cut off from me. Heck even imagination and dreaming are tightly restricted. I can't even escape into my own world. I'm completely trapped in this nightmare, all the time, and I have nowhere to turn.

I don't know how much longer I can take it, and I'm not looking forward to the life ahead of me.

Sorry for the late reply. I just logged in and saw your comment. I wrote a long reply but my connected lagged out. I will re-type it in segments. One key takeaway is this book:

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/20556323

It's called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. It's by Pete Walker. I just discovered it about a week ago and it is one reason I have not been posting much -- I've been reading the book and thinking about it instead of posting on forums. If this goes through I will post more follow-up comments. I want to talk more about the autistic special interests that you desire but you feel you can't access.

[ceck]

I'm ridden with mental illnesses and gender dysphoria. ... because of autistic special interests, I NEED certain hobbies to be mentally well, but due to my lack of ability I have no way of fulfilling them. It isn't a competition, it isn't about what other people think of me. It's about my personal needs.

...

I don't get any spiritual stuff either. It is cut off from me. Heck even imagination and dreaming are tightly restricted. I can't even escape into my own world. I'm completely trapped in this nightmare, all the time, and I have nowhere to turn.

I don't know how much longer I can take it, and I'm not looking forward to the life ahead of me.

I think you deserve kindness. Sometimes it is hard to receive kindness from other people, especially if you live in a location that is hostile to your identity. Even if no one else is being kind to you, you still can try to be kind to yourself. It's not easy -- I try to be kind to myself, and I don't know how well I succeed.

I don't know much about gender dysphoria. I do know about general dysphoria -- the sense that life is nothing but pain. Living with dysphoria is a challenge, but the outlook is not uniformly black. If nothing else, suffering can be minimized and you can survive another day and try to be better.

That aside, you have special interests. Maybe you identify with a niche religion such as heathenism. Maybe you have feelings or opinions about sex or other emotionally charged issues that are not welcome in your community. You say that you NEED certain hobbies but you don't have the ability to fulfill your needs. I don't know how comfortable you are talking about this in a thread, but it would help to have more specific info.